22.05.2013 - We Never Lose because We owned EC

The GE13 has ended and Rakyat has prevailed to serve the country right and wiser enough to know who is right and who is playing tricks in this election. It is a tight fight between the opposition and the previous government of Malaysia and this has been the best challenges I ever seen so far. According to the media almost 83% of the voters cast their vote in this GE13 and majority of those are first timers voters.

Election day was smooth throughout the day and everyone seems busy rushing to the polling station fulfilling their right to choose for the next coming government to rule to country. Although things goes smoothly at my area, there are many cases where phantom voters and illegal voter casting their votes with is supported by the local authority. They are prevented to enter the polling station since they are not Malaysian and does not have the right to participate in this GE13 but question is how the hell did they get their passes / ID to be legal voters? Everyone is staying close to the entrance barricading it to prevent these voters to cast their votes. However these voters are escorted by the local police force and in some cases escorted by the Barisan Nasional representatives. This clearly shows that these voters are pre-planned, issued with local identity cards which grant them the rights to vote in this GE13. Not only such, ballot boxes were also found being added during the counting process and sudden electric blackout happened in most places to divert the counter's attention while the Barisan taking advantage on it by removing opposition votes or adding additional ballot box for easy win.

Looking at such, I do not see a need for election again and again for next 5 years since the winning will always goes to the dominant party that has all ways to secure their sits. Although evidences has shown clearly that there is something behind yet no one can ever overcome them or put things clearly including the most powerful man in the country. Seriously, everyone of us take the hard time queue up for almost hours and campaigning along with their selected party but at the end everyone have to accept the way how the election commissioner works. Conclusion is, why should we waste our damn time casting our votes knowingly no matter how hard that is how real it is, they (BN) will still win? I am paying almost MYR6k income tax last year and tell me how my government appreciate my contribution? Instead we were asked to leave the country if we are not happy with the new ruling cabinet! He sounds like his salary is paid by his grandpa than us. Anyway, I am not going to cast my vote for the rest of my life; because it is a waste of time. With the EC that play dirty publicly without being stopped and yet being acknowledged and praised  by NGO and other country presidents I don't see a need for me to stand for the next election. Even the whole voters choose opposition, BN will still win because the EC is reporting to BN not the KING. So, this is call "democracy my foot". Because whatever we says it is charged in Sedition Act and whoever we choose will not come true.

22.05.2013 - Am Still BLUR and LOST

When you look into your life seriously, you will see nothing except consequences, problems and other matters that draws you to negative mind. It happened to me too. I tried for many times to give ways but when it comes to my limits, I am looking for another solution; probably getting rid of those people who don't really appreciate me. I am who I am; when you choose to be in my life, that is it. You will have to accept the fact that I am that kind of person. I know i am not perfect, I am not romantic but I tried my very best to make life wonderful and of course at the same time supports everyone at every angle without failed. I look into everyone happiness and avoid crushes among family members. When i buy things I choose to buy 2 portions so that everyone in the family is happy with it. I don't mind having less compared to them but I just don't want to have anyone in the family feels neglected. Today, I look at my credit cards and realised I spend too much and keep wondering how to get this settled. I was so stressful and trying hard to save but if i show it to my family i would say most of them will take it in different way that I am complaining. To make everyone stop worrying, I just have to keep quiet and pretend I afford to get everything done. No joke, it is RM8000 now and yet no solution for it. I guess I am all alone in this world. Whether you like it or not, I will have to dig my own graveyard and bury myself in. I wish hardly that GOD takes my life away instantly and take me to anywhere HE wants but looking at it, It is a little selfish. I wish everyone in the family live happily ever after and I don't mind everyone hates me as long they are happy and problem free.

I was looking at photos of mom and my daughter this morning and for a sudden, I cried non-stop. I keep asking myself what have I done? I am giving more job to my mom and having a problematic and demanding spouse. Some told me both are attention seekers but to me both are woman and problem makers. I can feel that I gave alot and get no return. If everyone is demanding and I am keep giving, don't you think it is fair? I don't think fair exist in my life now. Mom needs my care and love while spouse need my attention, financial support and physical touches (pampering). Like I said I am who I am; and I am so tired with so many things to look at and think off. If everything is on me and I have to take a move, then tell me why should I marry and putting another burden on my shoulder? I always gave my spouse an example, clapping hand need left  and right hand; I mean a pair of hand. What I am trying to tell her is, i can be lovely and showing her my love but if she don't play her part, i don't think our relationship works. But until today I see no improvement from her side at all; instead she continues to demand from me. I really pray harder now that I can take all this one at the time; I just worried that I will give up one day and choose to leave the house without notice.

21.05.2013 - Its time to give up?

I consider myself as very lucky as i am the only man in the house but think again, it is not as easy or wonderful as i thought. Managing the house in all aspect is unavoidable but having people around you not understanding the pain i am getting thru is really a heartache.

Wife have been a mess to me. Yesterday, i was somehow hinted that i am not doing something a husband should do. E.g. not spending for her on anything she wants; not cuddling her, not kissing her, not pampering her, not understanding her, etc.

I tried to make her happy by buying her things, kissing her forehead before going to work, help her to look after our new born baby mid night despite need to work the next day, give her more space and time to rest, etc. But to her, she said I force myself to do it. Instead of appreciating the hard time I took and initiative to change for better tomorrow, she is pouring cold water on me and demanded me to stop. But when i don’t do it, she was mad and disappointed. Of all these years, she never take an initiatives to be close with me, close to me and even hug me, instead she demand me to do all this to her. I know she need more attention so i take more time to listen and patient even when i kiss her forehead before work she didn’t even bother to reply. I posted “I love you” in her facebook yesterday having the thought that she will be happy but she gives no reply at all. What can a man do more? I even clean the house, wash toilets and so woman’s job?

She bought me pen, wallet and belt. My style is, when i like something so much i would rather keep them than use them. But to her not using her gift is not appreciating her. I explain to her plenty times but yet she still blaming me for not loving her. E.g. se bought me a wallet years back. I was so impressed and kept the wallet since the current wallet i have is still usable. She take it personally and not being happy over it. She bought me a set of parker pen, i use both and somehow 1 of them dropped in the house where i have almost forgotten for weeks. Even she found the pen dropped, she didn’t even return that to me and keeping it as a grudge and said i did not appreciate the pen she bought for me. Childish i say!

Financially, i gave her RM300 per month after months showing me faces that she is broke. In the first place, why would she choose to buy a car that she cannot afford to pay? Never mind, i don’t mind paying for it. Yesterday, despite having lack of sleep i have to send her car for service, renew her car roadtax and pay her car instalment. She handed me her ATM card machine and message me to get it done. I know she is not doing that well financially so i choose to help her on the roadtax without telling her. I draw out RM1000 from her saving account and pay the car service of RM300 and her car Instalment RM550. The rest i planned to return to her while the road tax that caused RM1300, i will pay for it. Instead of appreciating it, she says she will pay me back and hinting me that i am not helping her at all financially. I think she failed her maths since she cannot figure out how much i actually fork out for her. Instead of this she said to me that my sister who just got back from Singapore told her it is man’s job to pay for their wife everything. Spending on own money is stupid and spending husband money is called brilliant / clever. I am so shocked that my sister is adding another burden to me instead of helping me. But how true that is, i am not sure.

Having a kid is beautiful in life but when you talk about financially, it is blood sucking. I am the bread winner of the family and every single things used in the house or baby comes from every bit of my pocket and wallet. I have touched RM8000 in my credit card but tell me who know about this? Everything i spend is for the sake of the family you think my own thing??? Full moon is near the corner and buying voucher and stuffs for the prayer is not cheap. But who understand me?

Mom was another issue. I know mom and wife both are attention seekers. Mom wish she is the one i love most while wife did the same too. I always have messages from wife pushing me to mom hinting me she is not important in my life and mom is everything. Be honest, yes she is nothing to me but just a wife, mom is my everything. Logically, without mom my wife will not have me and my fucking dick and sperm! Asshole! Being a good wife is not good on bed only but being superb understanding person and finding ways to patch things up with husband if problem occurs. If the husband is tired, you are just resting at home, then find something to make everyone happy don’t just sit there and wait for your husband to cheer up the family.

Mom was sick yesterday and when i get to know that she cycle to nearest clinic herself, i feel hurt and torn in my heart. Having 2 cars at home and 2 drivers, none of them can drive mom to clinic. Mom is another stubborn person on earth and i know she love me so much and others, so she choose to do everything herself not giving further burden especially me by driving back home to take her to clinic,. But where is wife? She is under confinement i know but her job is just resting. What’s the big deal to just drive to the clinic? Mom will surely refuse but as a wife you should find all the ways to convince her not sitting there say cannot! Imagine if you ask me to buy something and i sit there any say cannot; tell me what the fuck are you going to think off?

I was heart broken for whole day and when i reached home. Can you ever imagine, mom was sick and none of her children can take her to clinic? Sister is busy doing her shopping and wife is looking after baby. What is so wrong to look after the baby? Why she need to tell me that she will look after the baby while mom sleep? I don’t see a need to tell me this! i was a little pissed off a little when i reach home. I keep telling myself if people doesn’t know how to appreciate me, then i should stop doing all this as it waste my time. I kiss her she says i force, i buy things for her she ask me no need, etc. Mom look weird and kind of tired. I know she struggled with house work and looking after the baby. But where is sister????? Speechless! I try to talk to her and complain why not asking someone to drive her to clinic or call me? She says it is fine for her to go by herself but to me i still think it is my responsibility to look after everyone even i fall sick. But why cant my wife think of the same thing i have in mind? Instead she always expect to have wonderful life and act like she is the princess in the house and want everyone to go with her ways she want? Mom was agitated when i throw her plenty question but now i am agitated too. Cos i fought with wife for being not understanding me and accusing me so many things. Now mom don’t even bother to care how i care for her and the obligation i have in myself to make sure she is fine at all time.

I just don’t know anymore how to get thru this. The lack of sleep has caused my temper boiled easily and got mad over small issues. I was so pissed off yesterday and i choose to be silence throughout the night and being ignorant. Fortunately you can see these 3 jokers (mom sis and wife) get along pretty well. But i can see deep inside them there are curses and hatred. I feel release now after a day. It is so wonderful being ignorant. I will be cool from today onwards and don’t see a need to be so caring for anyone at home. If they don’t appreciate the things i did, i don’t see a need to continue except being part of them. I will start to ignore. If they choose to leave me or die, by all means go ahead. I don’t mind signing any papers or change the child custody to her if she choose to walk her own path and her own world. I don’t see a need to be with someone that does not understand and who demand more things from others but did nothing at all to gain them.

I received a message from her that she is sad for what happen yesterday because i am so quiet and ignorant. Seriously i don’t feel a damn thing at all from her message because i am so bored with the accusation she used to apply on me. If no one appreciates me that is the way i am going to be from now on. I am not a rich wealthy man but i can accord to look after my family. If you are looking for luxury then by all means you may go and leave. Remember i can try to understand and do my best for the sake of the family but ask yourself what you all have done for me so far?