26.12.2013 - Work Hard for nothing! No return!

When we talked about year end, everyone is hoping for good bonus / profit sharing. Some industries / companies offers 13 months salary while some hiding behind the wheels and declaring poor business throughout the year.

My company is a world leading servicing company. When I signed up the letter offer, I was given the verbal assurance that the company usually pay 13months salary per annum. I was here 15 years and for this year the 'usually' paid 13 months is not going to become true. The management told me, when you climb up to certain level, you are abide to the company protocol and target in order to enjoy the benefit given by the company. It says if we didn't achieve the budget of 90% LC, I can forget my bonus and increment. Now, we are only 60% LC and the bonus, I can just forget about it.

I have plenty things in my  mailbox and knowing this is definitely demotivating me to get all things done in timely manner. I am so upset and feels being treated unfairly. Other divisions were smiling throughout the day knowingly that they have achieved their budget and awaiting for their bonuses by end of this month.

To me, I am just an ordinary day filled with dissatisfied feeling. Holding a higher rank with good pay doesn't serve you good at all. You don't get to claim overtime, you don't have the opportunity to meet people and jobs, you cannot say no, you cannot go on field where there are opportunity to earn extra money through expenses and mileage, etc. except enjoying high pay and enjoying the cold environment in the office. To me, I love travelling out there and keeping myself away from my laptop but I was not given the choice to do so.

This morning, I received a call from my superior. In his bad mood, he raised his voice and talk seriously about our bonus. I knew about our bonus since last week but I don't know why he called to repeat the same bad news to me. His main objective is demanding me to explain to my fellow staffs here that there is no bonus at all. Bad news goes to me good news goes to him.

Hate is 1 of the most common feeling human has whenever they faces problem, being ill treated, unfairness treatment, etc. It is hard to take hate away from us especially knowingly that we are not getting something that we entitle for. Question is, how do I define 'entitle'? I think best word to replace it is 'deserved'. If I don't get what I deserved for, how do you expect me not to hate these people?

Can you ever imagine, money that we need for our festival celebration? family expenses? vehicles road tax and insurance? credit card debts? etc.? last year, I enjoy 1 month bonus in which I think it is way more better than nothing at all. But now, how am I going to survive the debts around me and the forth coming expenses?

Well this is MNC company. If you are good, they says 'that is why we hire you for" otherwise "why should I keep you still if you cannot prove your capability"? Ultimately we are just an assets that is liquidities to a company. Whenever they need you, you are a good person, but when they don't need your service, you are just a trash to them.

I kind of agreed to some says "work smart don't work hard". When times is up, it means time to stop working and focusing on other things. I put too much effort and time for work as I am a very responsible person and very productivity. I work around the clock to make sure everything runs smoothly but in return? the management is looking at overall business outcome instead of individual hard work we poured for the company. I guess I am just another idiot workaholic that listen to no one, it is now time to let things go and pay more attention to my own time.

19.12.2013 - LIFE

When we talk about marriage we talk about how a couple get along and shares all the moment, should it be bad or good. There is no perfect marriage in life and some may says we never marry the one we love most but the one we don’t. I stood in the mirror now looking at my own face and smile. Everyone says I looked cheerful person but for those who knew me pretty well, knows that i cried deeply inside. I keep asking myself why would I ventured into this miserable marriage life knowingly it is not suit me at all. I was a happy go lucky person when I was single. I have no financial problem or family problem except worrying so much about  my career and my mother’s health. Every moment i have during that time, is my “ME” time. I can choose what i want to be and what i want to do without having the doubt of my surrounding environment. Now i am fucking tied up with so many things that i, myself don’t even know how to get it resolved.

I am a pessimistic person and i blame GOD all this while for what happened to me, stupidly believed that our life is controlled and planned by Him. But sitting alone in front of TV (with my mind loitering around the problems) i realized GOD has actually helped me to be here, sitting in front of TV enjoying dramas, movies under air condition room. The one that really screw up my life is still me; who has being believing my future on my mom’s hand. I thought being filial will get a good return but now, i really messed up my life. I am not finger pointing but keep wondering what have I done to my own life.

I thought building up a family will probably give me something different and meaningful; unfortunately it is giving me nightmare and never ending house work and problem. My main aim is to have peace in life and family. Whenever i return home, i just want everyone smiling but not showing their ugly damn anger face. In some cases, when I realised there are problem, i confronted either 1 of them but the result is so unexpected; cold war. Each of them will blame on my unfairness and so on. I was taught by my sibling, being ignorant and do what you can do without relying on them is the best solution. It works a little while but yet i am still suffering in terms of physically and mentally. I am so tired with work and house work. I never stop cleaning the house, toilet and of course taking care of their feeling without having the thought of looking after mine. Sound like i am pampering these ladies without considering the consequences. People says, it is best to consult your closest sibling but to me, it doesn’t work well because we ended up quarrelling. I guess i am an alien in this world and also the only man in the family that bullied by the woman at home.

I am not a demanding person but I just hope everyone in the family works as a team and contribute fairly. Mom was the best team player but my wife is the other way round. Am not sure if she is too young or she is trained by her parents to be like this. She is so dependent, attention seeker, lazy, complaining a lot, expecting more from us than delivering it, lack of initiatives and of course being over sensitive. Before we got married, she has all promises made to convince me to marry her but after marriage; she is like totally not her at all. Mom was great but of course in some cases, she is really a pain in the ass. She started to lie when she did something wrong just to cover herself. She even treated my wife unfairly and rude whenever i am not around; yes my wife told me this and with all the years i am with my mom, i am so sure she really does. Not to be unfair, both ladies in my house are really bitches and pain in the arse. Not counting my sister from Singapore, putting 3 of them together is the worst choice in life. If i did, i always driving back home from work feeling worried and afraid. I am not sure who is going to lodge the complaint first but i know there must be an issue going on. Never ending stories.

Not sure if being silence and do what i can consider solving the problem? In the other hand i am so tired and getting bored over this life.