23.08.2010 - Challenging Life

I tried to occupied my time by calling my close friend out. He is someone who can share problems. Although he don't talk that much at least he listens and gives some comment. It was so long ago since I see him. I thought I can lay off my sadness to him and hoping he can wake me up from the sadness I am going with. Unfortunately he seems to be more sad than me. We have our dinner 2 days back and I can sense the trouble he is with. I asked him what happen and just shakes his head with his eyes slightly reddish. He says 'my youngest brother, the one 29 years old just married 3 months ago; diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4'. I was shocked and speechless. He is not smoking not drinking, how could that be? He added that the cancer cell had spread over to his liver and seems like there is nothing can be done except going for a heavy/strong treatment. He was told by doctor that he can only survive for 2 months if he didn't go thru the chemotherapy treatment. But questioned in the recovery he was told 50/50%. I really speechless on this. I thought my life is miserable but there are some others even worst than me. I can see his sadness takes him all the way. It is a very though time for him and I hope everything goes well for him and his brother. Sent via iPhone

22.08.2010 - Loneliness

Everyone have the thoughts that mom is relying on me all the time and I have spent too much time at home looking after her. To me, I never have that feels of being occupied by her; eventually I am the one that relying on her. I have being single for the past few years after broke off years back and throughout these years mom is my main objective being alive until today. Despite knowing fatal of love that causes severe pain and depression, it never stops me from moving forward for a better living. I took my time looking and accompanying mom to my fullest ability since she is the only 1 I have and love me her life. I do enjoy having on and off relationship with some partners, hoping things goes well; nevertheless my trust to involve in relationship is getting shallow and hopeless. To me mom is everything now and she is the one I love most in my life.

Sunday was my miserable day; as I expected. I have being preparing myself to be strong knowingly mom is leaving me to Singapore to help my sister in her confinement period. I kept telling myself I must be strong and independent when mom left. Nevertheless, the pain and scaring is inevitable. I am not conquering her life or being greedy over having mom with me all the time, just that it is so hard to let her go after years looking after her, seeing her everyday and talking to her day and night. Seeing her walked away from the boarding gate is really a deep pain in my heart. I begin to feel lonely, meaningless and lost when she is not around me. Throughout these years, she is my mentor, my reason to be alive, my objectives, my vision and my means of strength to live on. Every step I took to walk away from the boarding gate was very heavy and difficult. I can feel tears in my eyes and emptiness I have in my heart. I drove my car out from the parking bay and took a big turn back laying off the road side waiting to see her fly away. I stood there for almost 45 minutes and finally she flew off. With a lost feelings, I drove away wondering where to go and what should I do on that day. Sunday was my cleaning day and family day. Now I am all alone! Once I reach home, the time I opened the door, the house is totally silence. The darkness and quietness is making me feels emptiness and meaningless. I thought turn on radio or TV would help a bit but it does not work at all. I have lots of report to read and prepare but I am totally lost in the darkness. I have no mood to write, read, sit and sleep and so on. What I know is I am so afraid of the silence and emptiness. I took a cold shower and lying on my bed hoping to have a good rest. The feel of being left behind in the world all alone is unbearable. I believe this is too sudden and have causes me a drastic change and shocks. I took a sleep for almost 2 hours and woke up with the same feeling. Trying so hard to overcome the feeling but it is so difficult to let it go. Like said, easy to say difficult to do it. I sat on my desk forcing myself to complete my report and then headed for a jog to ease myself from the worries I have. I manage to get through it. I called up my friend that day and had a dinner with him until 10pm. I was so scare to return home but it leaves me no choice as this is the only shelter I have. My day was miserable! I slept at 1am in the morning after browsing on the net and trying hard to write my report. I keep asking myself what is going to happen if mom leaves me when the time comes.

21.08.2010 - Little Lucas

So happy to see my cute little nephew Lucas. He was born on 17.08.2010. Mouth and nose look exactly like his mother; my sister and the other half of his face is excatly look like his father Norman. Cant wait to see him next week! Let the photo describe how cute this little angel is.

21.08.2010 - Dead Cactus

Ah.. wondering how could that be! The cactus I bought 9 months ago seems not showing any growth at all. I took the initiative to bring it back home for mom to look after since she is an expert in planting plants. Unfortunately this expert somehow water my cactus everyday which is not supposed to be. After days seeing no changes, I took back the cactus to my office placed it on my desk and hoping it grows. After 2 days, it was spotted DEAD! So sad to see my lovely cactus is over. I tried to look at what is the root cause of the dead plant; and noted it was over watered. The root was totally soft and sticky like saliva. Take a look at the picture I posted. Will work out with mom to plant other cactus plant on that nice pot.

20.08.2010 - Back Home

I hate travelling to KL. This trip, it is my turn to drive. No doubt I dislike to drive my new car carrying weight (friends) to long distance trip, but I have no other choice since we have an agreement to take turn to drive to KL. Worst of all, I fall ill on that day; and with my cough syrup, I really feel tired and sleepy through out the trip. Luckily my fellow colleague accompany me thru out the trip. We reached KL within 4 hours and took our dinner and head straight back to our hotel to take early rest.

The next following day, we took off early in the morning with breakfast, check up and straight we go to factories. I was assigned to Taman Klang Utama while my other team / colleague was assigned to Klang area. We decided to book taxis instead of driving since we are not well verse with Selangor area. We took different taxi and headed to our designated factory. Audit was smooth that day except our trip back to the hotel where I parked my car at. I managed to secured the taxi driver number at the morning and dropped a call to him an hour before I have my work done on that day. I was surprised by him that he will not be able to pick me up at that hour (730pm) as it is all taxi driver's off hour. I was shocked and so frustrated with the taxi driver. In fact he is the one that promise to pick me up at evening but now he is not holding is promise. I was so scared that time wondering how am I going to back to the hotel as I promised to return to Penang with my mom and colleagues. I immediately called my fellow colleagues that was assigned to Klang area and was told that they are having the same problem with the taxi driver in Klang. That time, they were walking almost 2km away from the factory to search for taxi. Finally they managed to get 1 and helped to deploy this taxi to pick me up. At the same time, I received a call from the taxi driver that refused to pick me; and claimed that he already called his team member to pick me up. This time I am not worried but very angry. Why should there be 2 taxi picking me up now where just now not even a cab to offer. I tried to reject 1 of the taxi but was told that both almost reaching my place. NOW it leaves me no choice but to pay both taxi. Ah... Finally I reach the hotel where I parked my car. It is 830pm and all of us are damn hungry. I was in the thought of pulling a night there instead of rushing back but my fellow colleagues was eager to go back on the same day. It leaves me no choice but to go back on the same day. We took our dinner at my god sister's brother's shop and begin our journey back around 930pm. It was a nice trip back, cooling and relaxing. We reached Penang safely at 1am. What a trip!

17.08.2010 - Sick Man

As I expected, I am sick! I feel uneasy the time I woke up in the morning. I felt cold and weak; sign of fever / sick. I keep telling myself I won't fall sick today, some self motivation to make my day better. But doesn't work at all. My gastric is getting better but my throat is lain while my body temperature is above normal. I fight my day thru and continue to work as regularly. My day getting worst at the end of day. Fever is high and am getting more cold. Sneezing none stop and feel dizzy. Am now lying on bed, had my heavy dosage of panadol and hoping to get better tomorrow. I hate travelling while I am not well. Sent via iPhone

16.08.2010 - Gastric again!!!

What a Monday. Was expecting a smooth Monday but doesn't seems to work this time. Feel uneasy since I got up from bed. My stomach act strangely and Started to have the burning sensation right between my chest and belly. My gastric is back!! Bloating badly and whatever goes in causes lots of pain. I keep asking what have I done yesterday. I took 2 pack of instant noodle, lack of rest, busy cleaning the house, had my fruit juice in the morning and skip my lunch until 3pm. I took the instant noodle; 1 dry and 1 soup about 3pm. I didn't feel hungry the whole morning since I had my fruit juice along with the remains. I took a nap about 430pm and then by 6pm I went for a jog. I can feel strange in my stomach when I was jogging that time but nothing can stop when I starts to jog. I feel uncomfortable that night by 9pm because I was still full. I only begin to get hungry when mom asked me if I did. I ride my bike out and grab a pack of fried koayteow. It was a mistake after all knowing my stomach is uncomfortable yet I still eating something spicy and oily. The damn pain is now getting severe. I tried to have 2 yogurt drink and even some medicine. Yes I can no longer taking the challenge and I went to see doctor to get off but neither of them works. Hopefully everything is okay by tomorrow mooring. Sent via iPhone

15.08.2010 - Strange Feeling

It is another Sunday; full of works to be done especially getting my house cleaned and writing my damn report. Mom was out early in the morning to temple and expecting to return by late evening. It should be a relaxing weekend but knowingly I have to do house work and getting my office work done, it makes me feel like weekdays. What really matter/different today is counting days left before mom going to Singapore looking after sister's newly born son. Not sure how long mom will be there but I start to feel losing her and lonely. I always wanted to be independent but after years being with her I really reluctant to let her go. I know she wants to stay with me but promise is promise. I am going to miss her so much this coming Sunday.

Sent via iPhone

11.08.2010 - Young?

I was in the mist of getting myself back on the track after days away from office. I was forced to complete my MPP2 course last week from Wednesday to Saturday and then going on leave on Monday to fetch mom to Mount Miriam Hospital for her routine check up. Mom was fine but my pocket is going to get another hole as doctor is recommending mom to go for PET CT Scan which will cost me around MYR3800. Luckily her medical card is covering such scanning otherwise I have to tie up myself for this big amount. I was busy a day after mom's checkup day and was getting myself back on track with hundreds of emails sent since last week. Knowing to perform an audit this coming Thursday, I am rushing to clear all the back-log and getting prepare for what is going to be done this coming audit. I was stormed by a walk in client that day, a sudden couple walk in and summoned me to the customer area right in front of my office. By the time I reached the entrance, I was greeted by a couple subsequently requesting to look for me. Yes, they mentioned my name and shaking my hand. I introduced myself but none of them believed it is me! they keep asking for my name and insisted to look for me and I repeatedly admitting it is me! They were surprised and smile at me while looking at each other eyes. I was a bit uncomfortable and questioned them what is the surprised having to know it is ME? Both of them quickly apologized and commented that they did not expect that I am so young. I was still in dilemma and asked if who and what is the purpose of their visit and do I know them first place. I was then told that they are from the company that I am going to audit this Thursday. They are so worried about the audit and felt that it is polite to approach me and say hi to get close relationship with me before going through the real audit. However they did not expect to see a young age fellow to master this kind of audit and manage to speak well on the phone. I was given the warm greeting and told that my voice tells them that I am a mature old man, highly educated, well spoken person and professional veteran. But after seeing me they just cant believe it that I am just a young man but full of experience and professional in all sense. They keep saying they cannot believe it. Sound nice but to me I just started to feel being old. People are expecting me to be old because of my work and what I drive. No wonder I cannot even find a partner because I sound old! Looks like phone is not a best media to know a lady then.

10.08.2010 - Loosing myself

I keep asking why am I still sitting here waiting for something to happen rather than taking a step ahead to search for a better opportunity. I got tired with my work so badly. I have to do all the things here and even on the field. I have to organize and even peform audits myself and for others. With the load of work I have on the desk, I just can no longer able to cope to be out there doing the job myself and then returning to my desk looking at tonnes of emails and reports to be approved by me. I just can't wait to get this project done soonest possible. I surely want a break after this. But there are more to go!