Its a hard sleep night yesterday. I close my eyes and trying to let go all the thought I have. Lying restless on the bed, I keep on telling myself to go on trying to sleep. I turn and turn from a corner to another but the strange feeling haunting my night till 2am. I was done in a sleep peacefully until I drop into a dream that seems as real as I never lay myself on.
I was lonely and gave up trusting women; even though I do love them. Mom was so sad and put so much effort to find me a good partner whom I never know who she was. We meet up once but not much talking except knowing each other thru parents. It was a short meet up and the arrangement of marriage is done deal by both parents. Mom was so happy and agreed with any condition as long I am happy and she is expecting a daughter in law and soon coming grandchildren. The dream seems real but somehow there always shortcuts quite similar to movies that we watched usually. After the wedding, somehow the agreement take place and I have to leave mom at home and pull over in my 'stranger wife' house with her family for sometimes. I tried to call mom many times but it was not answered. I try to walk away from the house but was told this is prearranged with my mom and she wants me to be there for good. I can't understand where I am suppose to standing at. After 1 night sleeping with worries, guilty and sadly, the next morning I call off the agreement and decided to go against everything which has been made before. I gave my wife a kiss and says I am sorry and I can't leave my old mother at home alone while hugging my wife somewhere else. I doesnt want my future child to run away from me the same as what I am practising now. She cried and hold my hand tightly; with tears and pleasing. I let her go without any turning back and walk egress from the house. With tears; I keep on asking, how can this marriage being carried out? and who is she?
She looks innocent, honest, not that pretty but worth to have as a wife, fair skin, long hair, reaching my nose (height) and soft spoken person. Without having a 2nd thought, I drove out heading straight to my house hoping to see my mom soonest I can. I just doesnt know how am I going to talk to her for how she sacrified and choose to be alone just to make sure I am not lonely for my entire life. I drove as fast as I can and keep on trying to reach her (mom) with my mobile but still to no avail. After a distance, the feels of being cruel to both came. I cried for being so useless and a burden to everyone. I left my wife for my mom and mom choose to be alone for my future. I never stop trying to call mom but still unreachable. I diverted my intention and decided to drop my so call 'wife' for an apology and will promise her to work out something to get back together but ... so strange that I doesnt have her mobile number or house number either. I cried for so long while driving but I cant make up my mind what should I do now; and how can I marrying someone that I doesnt even know her at all. What am I doing? the feels of lost in the dream comes the feels that similar I going thru when I awake. I jump off from the dream and sat on my bed asking myself what is GOD trying to tell me? Is it teeling me I need to choose either one in my life? or Is it just a dream or something else? I am so down the whole day from my house to office and back home. The dream seems to haunt me from getting myself together and thinking of something else. I am so lost.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Monday, 29 September 2008
28.09.2008 - Little thoughts
I aware that dramas are make up stories. But after watching these episodes; I have some feels that makes me feel strange the whole night. I tried to throw out here but somehow it is difficult. The feels is about the same when I was down loosing my 1st love. The feel of burn in my heart, or somehow like dislocated upside down is so hard to overcome. I feel.... sad, lonely and jealous; I am not so sure if these words are the best to describe. I keep enlighten myself and says it is just a drama and of course it is a make up story but the feel is so strong that makes me think everything is possible in any sense.
I can see the warmest of loves in this drama should it be among brothers and sister, loving partners, relatives, etc., but why I have nothing similar like them? I can see loves being pouring among each others, happiness being sharing among each one fo them, problems being solved by putting all hands together and moving on any obstacles together without any one being left behind. I can see couples are sharing thoughts, loves, difficulties and being together; I can see parents are there to listen and jokes with them, I can see sharing or burdens, I can see non of them running away from the truth and difficulties, I can see the bad one turns good, I can see everything in this drama which best describe wonderful family. Why not me?
It is shameful to write something like this but I really jealous seeing ppl walking around with someone holding their hands and sharing tears and happiness together. Everytime I am around with seniors; they love throwing questions that doesnt hurt me but makes me fall to ground after I am up high looking forward. I want to have one and of course I want to have my own family but I cant see one! I can see so many obstacles in that drama that being together is really tough enough especially going thru the red and blues moment. Pain and tears comes before happiness and marriage. Is this the truth that it is a package of loves? I have tears on my cheeks twice; walking in darkness and silence pain throught out my life. Am I done yet or do I still need to carry on with these package if I wanted to come out with my own family? I am so lost and now 31; without anything except loneliness, worries, regrets, and wonders why should I go on with this awful life?
I can see the warmest of loves in this drama should it be among brothers and sister, loving partners, relatives, etc., but why I have nothing similar like them? I can see loves being pouring among each others, happiness being sharing among each one fo them, problems being solved by putting all hands together and moving on any obstacles together without any one being left behind. I can see couples are sharing thoughts, loves, difficulties and being together; I can see parents are there to listen and jokes with them, I can see sharing or burdens, I can see non of them running away from the truth and difficulties, I can see the bad one turns good, I can see everything in this drama which best describe wonderful family. Why not me?
It is shameful to write something like this but I really jealous seeing ppl walking around with someone holding their hands and sharing tears and happiness together. Everytime I am around with seniors; they love throwing questions that doesnt hurt me but makes me fall to ground after I am up high looking forward. I want to have one and of course I want to have my own family but I cant see one! I can see so many obstacles in that drama that being together is really tough enough especially going thru the red and blues moment. Pain and tears comes before happiness and marriage. Is this the truth that it is a package of loves? I have tears on my cheeks twice; walking in darkness and silence pain throught out my life. Am I done yet or do I still need to carry on with these package if I wanted to come out with my own family? I am so lost and now 31; without anything except loneliness, worries, regrets, and wonders why should I go on with this awful life?
Sunday, 28 September 2008
28.09.2008 - Moonlight Resonance
Its a very nice weekend. We (with mom) spend 1 whole day watching HK Drama and conclude the last episode at 2330. We start at 1400 after I finish all the house work (clenaing) and lunch as well. It is a rush lunch but we enjoy it pretty much and aiming to return home, cold shower and warm up our big sofa. We finished 3 episodes and finally decided to take a break with nice walk and jog in mengkuang dam. But the tiredness doesn't stop me from day dreaming to go back home as early as I can to catch the remaining chapters.
We again rush back home once we finish our break and pack our dinner back home with 1 same wish " let's finish the drama ". you cant imagine how silly for both of us rushing for something call 'drama' ...... We grab the remaining 4 episodes with tears and happiness. Its worth for every tears for this drama. Full of suspense and loves that makes my heart beat twice faster than it should be. It makes me feel that I am part of the story, the family and the conflicts. It draws our attention just on the TV screen and audio. It makes us feel sad and loves with tears.
Producer, caster, story writer, actors, actress, etc., you guys are superb! If this drama to screen in the cinema, (ya i know it is ridiculous to have drama in theather) I will be the first to buy 40 tickets for these 40 episodes!
Keep it up Guys.
We again rush back home once we finish our break and pack our dinner back home with 1 same wish " let's finish the drama ". you cant imagine how silly for both of us rushing for something call 'drama' ...... We grab the remaining 4 episodes with tears and happiness. Its worth for every tears for this drama. Full of suspense and loves that makes my heart beat twice faster than it should be. It makes me feel that I am part of the story, the family and the conflicts. It draws our attention just on the TV screen and audio. It makes us feel sad and loves with tears.
Producer, caster, story writer, actors, actress, etc., you guys are superb! If this drama to screen in the cinema, (ya i know it is ridiculous to have drama in theather) I will be the first to buy 40 tickets for these 40 episodes!
Keep it up Guys.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
17.09.2008 - Self Rewards?
Someone told me that I need to reward myself for what I have done thru out these years. When I ask myself "what I want from myself?" this sign comes and goes --> $_$
I thought of getting myself an LCD 32' in my room; change my handphone; change my car to Altis; buy another house(condo) or vacation. But end of day the sign appear again and again --> $_$.
See... I got 2 TVs in my house. 1 x 32' of Sony Bravia LCD in living hall & 1 x 29' LG super slim CTV at dining room. And only 2 of us in the house. Sound silly to have 3 TVs in a house right? Estimate gonna suck me Rm2000
Well I think of 2nd option... Handphone. Something that tag along with me wherever I go. Again I am using Sony K800i which has poor resale value, still usable, reliable and equipped with good features. Initially I have another Sony W850i but was stolen by my runaway maid. Again I think of it; if the phone is still functional why should I change it? If I insist RM2000 expecting to be sucked away
Then I go to 3rd option... getting my car changed. Since I cant really afford with Camry, I don't mind having Altis as my second choice. I've told myself that this is the best award I can have but again this is not going to be good since it will suck me approx Rm1200 per month for 9 years! I was so firm with this rewards and took all the trouble to test drive and dealing with several sales person to get it done. But again after a thorougly consideration, 9 years installment is not as easy as I thought off. I held a self discussion considering all the consequences that I need to go thru if something that might turn wrong one day during this 9 years will I have that much extra money to get it covered? I think there shouldn't be any problem except some medical fees that I need to bear monthly for months. Well this is really a burden. Thus I decided to wait and see until next year. Somehow my instinct tells me I need to stick to my Gen2 for few more years. I just can't imagine how much more do I need to spend on this local made car. I just spent Rm2100 repaing the absorber, tires, audio, power windows, etc that gone haywire lately. I just can't stand anymore spending on the repair! But still the cost of repair is less than the down payment that subjec to be paid if I want to get a new car.
So I run to option 4 which I think it is worth to buy for mom, investment and leisure. Getting a condominium. I am talking about Cassia 1 & 2 and later comes VistaBay. These condos are luxury condos equipped with outstanding facility and the most ... the seaview; towards the Penang Island. This really lure my saliva. So temptating! I mean the show house. Gosh nice lo. I got my calculator works day and night with a hope that this dream wil come true but before I manage to commit, again Mr. $_$ is disturbing. Well; I think it is still worth to buy a house than a car that depreciatable. Infact having this condo around the area where everyone of us love to stay at makes me more confidence to place my deposit in. My second thoughts is selling the current landed property and get this condo will probably lighten up my installment. Ya everyone I know laughing at me and started to mumbling on my stupidity to think of condo. According to them most of multistorey tenant wish to have a landed property but I am the other way round. They do list out the drawbacks to me which really makes sense alot but I do love to have 1. But not my pocket! Especially with medical situation for mom!
I really out of ideas to rewards myself. I guess nothing much I can reward myself except resting, sleeping and accompany mom whenever I am free. But this is not a reward right? Lost again.
I thought of getting myself an LCD 32' in my room; change my handphone; change my car to Altis; buy another house(condo) or vacation. But end of day the sign appear again and again --> $_$.
See... I got 2 TVs in my house. 1 x 32' of Sony Bravia LCD in living hall & 1 x 29' LG super slim CTV at dining room. And only 2 of us in the house. Sound silly to have 3 TVs in a house right? Estimate gonna suck me Rm2000
Well I think of 2nd option... Handphone. Something that tag along with me wherever I go. Again I am using Sony K800i which has poor resale value, still usable, reliable and equipped with good features. Initially I have another Sony W850i but was stolen by my runaway maid. Again I think of it; if the phone is still functional why should I change it? If I insist RM2000 expecting to be sucked away
Then I go to 3rd option... getting my car changed. Since I cant really afford with Camry, I don't mind having Altis as my second choice. I've told myself that this is the best award I can have but again this is not going to be good since it will suck me approx Rm1200 per month for 9 years! I was so firm with this rewards and took all the trouble to test drive and dealing with several sales person to get it done. But again after a thorougly consideration, 9 years installment is not as easy as I thought off. I held a self discussion considering all the consequences that I need to go thru if something that might turn wrong one day during this 9 years will I have that much extra money to get it covered? I think there shouldn't be any problem except some medical fees that I need to bear monthly for months. Well this is really a burden. Thus I decided to wait and see until next year. Somehow my instinct tells me I need to stick to my Gen2 for few more years. I just can't imagine how much more do I need to spend on this local made car. I just spent Rm2100 repaing the absorber, tires, audio, power windows, etc that gone haywire lately. I just can't stand anymore spending on the repair! But still the cost of repair is less than the down payment that subjec to be paid if I want to get a new car.
So I run to option 4 which I think it is worth to buy for mom, investment and leisure. Getting a condominium. I am talking about Cassia 1 & 2 and later comes VistaBay. These condos are luxury condos equipped with outstanding facility and the most ... the seaview; towards the Penang Island. This really lure my saliva. So temptating! I mean the show house. Gosh nice lo. I got my calculator works day and night with a hope that this dream wil come true but before I manage to commit, again Mr. $_$ is disturbing. Well; I think it is still worth to buy a house than a car that depreciatable. Infact having this condo around the area where everyone of us love to stay at makes me more confidence to place my deposit in. My second thoughts is selling the current landed property and get this condo will probably lighten up my installment. Ya everyone I know laughing at me and started to mumbling on my stupidity to think of condo. According to them most of multistorey tenant wish to have a landed property but I am the other way round. They do list out the drawbacks to me which really makes sense alot but I do love to have 1. But not my pocket! Especially with medical situation for mom!
I really out of ideas to rewards myself. I guess nothing much I can reward myself except resting, sleeping and accompany mom whenever I am free. But this is not a reward right? Lost again.
17.09.2008 - Normal living day
Its being so long I left the blog. Well I am too lazy lately.
HMmmm.. what should I begin with?
Well.. I am still the same... someone that busy and worry alot about my future and my family. I tried to hard to let go alot of worries especially mom but I failed until now. Everytime I go to work or I am late back home or someone call me for a date, I always wonder how am I going to leave mom at home alone? See the worries that I have everytime I tried to go out away from her makes me so uncertain and wandering around. I can't sit tight and even talk about anything that my friends talking to me. I feel so worry that something might happen to her at home or she will be very lonely at home. I feel so scared when friends call for outing. DO you think I will be able to find some one ? I mean life partner if this prolong? Yah.. I begin to worry about myself.
So... mom looks healthy currently; she eats well, sleep pretty well, gain weight, etc. unlikely before. I am happy that everything is going smooth as I prayed for. I just don't know why I keep on worry and haunted of what have happened before. Lately I've being told by a friend of mine that her ex-mother-in-law is diagnosed with cancer and have reach the critical stage which no medicine can cure her pain; in other words she waiting for the time to go. She explain the pain an suffers she has to go thru including the trouble, supports and mental torture the entire family member being thru. I am a strong person before especially when something happened to mom but that day; I feel so weak, worried, scared and lonely. I can't sleep whole night thinking of the consequences that I need to go thru with mom if one day she is back on the track; of course .. touch wood.. pray that it won't happen. If 1 day she is no longer here with me, and I am diagnosed with this illness what should I do? Who is going to look after me? The question keep on lingering in my mind and the moment of pain and difficulties we go thru during her treatment and operation comes along. I know that human are born to live and die one day but do I have to be lonely? alone walking down the street without a guide or tailed? I do ask myself DO I need 1? I am so lost in myself most of the time but it never ends.
HMmmm.. what should I begin with?
Well.. I am still the same... someone that busy and worry alot about my future and my family. I tried to hard to let go alot of worries especially mom but I failed until now. Everytime I go to work or I am late back home or someone call me for a date, I always wonder how am I going to leave mom at home alone? See the worries that I have everytime I tried to go out away from her makes me so uncertain and wandering around. I can't sit tight and even talk about anything that my friends talking to me. I feel so worry that something might happen to her at home or she will be very lonely at home. I feel so scared when friends call for outing. DO you think I will be able to find some one ? I mean life partner if this prolong? Yah.. I begin to worry about myself.
So... mom looks healthy currently; she eats well, sleep pretty well, gain weight, etc. unlikely before. I am happy that everything is going smooth as I prayed for. I just don't know why I keep on worry and haunted of what have happened before. Lately I've being told by a friend of mine that her ex-mother-in-law is diagnosed with cancer and have reach the critical stage which no medicine can cure her pain; in other words she waiting for the time to go. She explain the pain an suffers she has to go thru including the trouble, supports and mental torture the entire family member being thru. I am a strong person before especially when something happened to mom but that day; I feel so weak, worried, scared and lonely. I can't sleep whole night thinking of the consequences that I need to go thru with mom if one day she is back on the track; of course .. touch wood.. pray that it won't happen. If 1 day she is no longer here with me, and I am diagnosed with this illness what should I do? Who is going to look after me? The question keep on lingering in my mind and the moment of pain and difficulties we go thru during her treatment and operation comes along. I know that human are born to live and die one day but do I have to be lonely? alone walking down the street without a guide or tailed? I do ask myself DO I need 1? I am so lost in myself most of the time but it never ends.
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