20.11.2012 - I am not the BANKER.

I hate myself so much. I realised I am too petty over thing. Sometimes it is just a small issue but I took it in different way and may even make myself feel sad and down. I tried so hard to take things easy but when I sit and think again and again it makes me feel agitated. This is how it goes. She has being complaining in the public that she has no money. I was a bit mad over this and wondering why would she did that? I have told her to discuss with me if she needs any help financially. She remains quiet and says it is done purposely to hint her relatives she has no money and will not attend their wedding dinner. To me it is just an excuse. She declared cold war for days and after I stuffed three hundred bucks to her and one hundred bucks for her mobile she smiles. Today, she told me she is not well and vomited. I asked her why, she said she had eaten something that she shouldn't have taken which has causes the nausea. I asked her what she had taken and was told her mom bought her breakfast which contain fish. Yes she is now allergic to fish. What really come to my mind is, why would she trouble her mom to buy her breakfast everyday? aren't she old enough to get her own breakfast instead? To avoid any argument, I just kept quiet when she says her mom insist to buy her breakfast. To me, she is just another lazy fellow doing nothing except like calling for the rain despite knowing it wont rain. I gone mad when she told me she pay her mom five hundred bucks this month as part of compensating her mom for helping her. Okay.. I know that I am not suppose to bother much about how she is going to disperse her money that I gave her but I was not happy why would she pay so much money to her mom? What about my house? who is going to pay for me? who is going to buy and cook for me? What I really learn now is, I have to fucking feed 2 family now than 1. I really don't know what to do. Seriously I just felt that I am all alone in my house, still the breadwinner and continue to struggle over what I want and do. No one will fucking help me instead I will have to help her. I am going to stop all this shit. Seriously I cannot stand being the banker.

18.11.2012 - My Family My Style

Was watering my garden and by the time I go in my house, notice she is folding my cloths. I was touched and happy seeing her doing something rather than sitting there waiting to be served or feed. Unfortunately, the cloths she folded doesn't seems to be right. I guess I am a bit fussy over tiny things. But it is just the way how my family got every things done correctly. I approached her and confronted over the wrong doing; unfortunately she is not happy over the approach and says this is how her family got it done. In other word, she is trying to ask me to accept the fact and how they apply this at home. I am so mad over this. I remembered she told me before that she will learn what to do and how to get things done correctly after our marriage. I did rejected that before but she begged and says everything can be learn after marriage. But now? she seems to demand me to accept the fact that me and my family will have to follow her family's style. Well, nothing and no one can ever stop me from practising what my family does. If she choose to implement her things in my house, then it is just the matter of time for me to ask her to go back home. She will need to think and act before I give up on this relationship.

16.11.2012 - Capable OR Scapegoat?

Seriously, who should be the one to travel? I was asked to attend this training and meeting next 2 weeks in Vietnam. I keep wondering why must it be me? I am so tight with my coordinating and I have scheduled myself for an audit in my region. My boss called me yesterday and making it a big fuss over sending a representative to Vietnam despite knowingly there is only limited business opportunity in my country. I kind of agree with her and insisted that we reject the request but unfortunately it has went to a higher level whom had sent us a stern instruction to deploy at least 1 auditor. Of all the auditors I have, my direct superior has nominated 2 person to attend the training in which 2 of them already being assigned to their own job and audit. I thought that will be the best excuse ever to turn down the request, however we were forced to find a solution in which I was the one being nominated and forced to attend without fail. Sometime i just sense it that it is like I am the rubbish to them and also the only one they can rely on. I hate travelling and wishes that the one making the proposal for 2 person to be the one to attend it. I realised he is very free and have being enjoying his pay raised without having any job done. Well, I don't think that would happen! Just received an official email that I will be the monkey for this trip. Name was spelt clearly to the organiser that I will be attending the event next 2 more weeks. Feel so down now.

12.11.2012 - Will the World End on 2012?

Would the world End? I was busy browsing the net seeking for the truth about this prediction; unfortunately none of it is reliable. I just have the sense that no one will ever tell us or publish it if there are any threat or danger that forth coming. I guess I watched too much of movie. In movies, usually the top authority would choose to keep everyone calm by denying the truth on what is going to happen soon. It is true that keeping everyone calm is the best solution ever. You will be able to minimise the casualties if everyone is calm and not rushing by foot stepping each other. Well, the cause of death and damage to the earth still caused by human aren't they? How true the prediction is? Do you think everyone cares? Be honest, should that be truly quoted or just for the purpose of publicity and money generating from the spread, I am so sure no one ever bother much.

While I was carrying out my job regularly, some of those clients approached me and asked if I have prepared for the worst. I was stunt and asking if 'what' I can do if it is the end of the world? I was asked to purchase as many dried and can food as I can, back pack kits and necessary surviving kits that can last me as long as possible. I keep wondering what is this all about. Why would I spend those money getting those stuffs if everyone is going to die anyway? Then she begun to lecture me about the prediction. According to her, there will be no end but something will happen in which may or might wipe out the entire world. This will create a brand new world and for those that left behind will be the founder of the new earth an mankind. Questions keep pouring in my mind how could I or other survive if 'something' is going to wipe out the world then? Then the 2012 and The Day After Tomorrow movie comes. I guess too many movies for humans. While laughing, I asked "where are you planning to go if things happen?"; and she replied "to hike as high as I can". It makes sense to me a little but "where?". She replied "any mountain". In my country and state, I bet no high hills/mountain would be able to cater such big wave, tornado or volcano. But yet, it is still a state of survival right? Now... lets assume that you survived the Catastrophe, and you are 1 of the 30 survival. No potable water, no food and shelter, no proper sanitary convenience to dispose off our waste effective, etc. how long do you think you can survive for the next few days and years? Well I am not being too negative, but in reality, I guess it will probably ended up human slaughtering human just to keep themselves alive with food, or probably some kind of disease that may cause death to human nature. Yes... don't ever think of antibiotic or cough syrup if this really happen because hospital will also be wipe out completely! I guess too much of movie and imagination. Whatever it is, lets brace ourselves and live happily day after days. Pray for the better reincarnation and help those who needed helps as long we can help. If the world ends or changed as what it is predicted we are not in the position to conclude or change it except pray harder. Well, should that be real or not, you will still have to move on tomorrow and so on. You will have to work for living, smile to others, make everyone happy, serve food for your family, clean and disinfect your house, gardening, etc. as usual. So why think so much while we still have to move on with our lives. Me? should that be the end or otherwise, I still have to move on with my damn life. Of course if you ask me what is in my mind, I would rather choose the end of the world. Damn! so negative I am ...

08.11.2012 - Back to Future

Woman is exactly like hurricane / Stacy storm. They can be perfect today and worst the next day. I am not sure if what i have venting off for the past few days works on her? or it triggers her sense that how important our marriage is. Well, I can't be much worried now. Because I don't even know how serious she is in patching up our relationship. What I can see now is totally re brand of her. Or is it because I stuffed some cash to her last week because seeing her Facebook commenting 'no money'. I did spoke to her but she keep telling me she is financially okay. Is it real that whatever women says is an opposite meaning? i.e. yes = no?

Well, I guess there is nothing much I can do now than moving forward day by day. Whether it is windy or raining, I still  have to sort out my very best way to fit into the weather change. Should it be happy or not, I still have to walk to path the way it is and tuning myself according to the new frequency. God bless!

04.11.2012 - What Have I Done Wrong?!

I have being stubborn person for years. I have my own principle. I have being filial and always wish for a better tomorrow. But my marriage changed my life and my person drastically. I dislike to get marry when I was young and when age catch up, you cannot resist to it. I always wanted to have a wonderful marriage, like... how we watch TV movies or dramas where both spouse is cuddling each other at night, give and take day time and help each other when we need it. Well, all these are movies / dramas; an illustration or more likely to say, man made stories that never ever happen in life.

I took my first step despite knowing marriage is a disaster. She is 8 years younger than me, and the very first thing that trigger me, she is childish and immature. Nevertheless old people says, the young once can always learn throughout the way when they grow older. They will be wiser, mature and know when and what to do. I always takes old people's advice especially my mom.

My marriage last for 5 months now and still struggling to get things straight as I ever wish. Come on, face the truth, there is not perfect marriage or lovely couple in this world except when you are started to fall in love. Before marriage, women will do whatever you asked and whatever things they should do as a wife. You don't have to trigger them or give them the courage / motivation; they will just do whatever 'wife' usually do when you bring them home. Including cook, clean, feed you water, fill up your glass when it emptied, wake you up if it is late, etc. After marriage, hmmm.....you will have to start doing those things in return.

My wife? Seriously, I don't know how to describe her. Worst, she is pregnant. If she don't, I will probably demand for a divorce. After we have our marriage, everything seems to be normal for a week. After that, once I helped and did some comment on the wrong doing, she seems to stop doing those and in return, demanded me to do it since I commented it is not done correctly. She stop doing from there onwards. After pregnant, the morning sickness has become the best excuse to put all housework aside. It entered the 4th month and yet she is still acting like she is going to die over the baby.

I start to do cleaning, clothing, cooking, etc. exactly like before I got married. I start work at 9am and by the time I return home tiredly, I have to do house cleaning and prepare my own food and cloths. When this started, she was on the sofa lying down resting while looking at me doing the house work. I never blame her for this. After days, she start to get irritated and return to her own house (in law). When I finish work, I have to do house things and then SMS her to come back. When she reaches home, she is exactly the hotel guest. Entered, not even looking at me, did not greet me at all, shoot straight to the room to change and then straight lying on the sofa. Once the clock turns 10pm, she just walk straight enter my room and sleep like it is the hotel room.

I have granted her to do this during the initial month of her pregnancy since she is suffering the morning sickness that last the whole day. But after months, her condition seems improving but yet ... she still maintain her routine as hotel guest and did not contribute to the family.

I tried to talk but every time I raise this, she got agitated and putting the blame on me that I complain she did not do her job in the house. That cold war will last for days. Sometimes, I thought I was too tough on this. I called my sister in Singapore to seek for more advice. Unfortunately she is asking me to be patient and give ways. Woman will surely side woman. I was asked to pamper her, listen to her, do what she wants and don't fight with her. Of all shits my wife given to me, I have to still give ways? My house laundry is the simplest method. Throw all in the washing machine and press "ON" and then "START". Is that difficult? why I have to do it and why do I have to hang it when it is done? Cant a pregnant lady do this simple job?

Today was my worst day ever. I have reach my neck and I was hoping so much that I can just spit it out to her that I want a divorce. Serious! But thinking it again and again, Am I that tough and have I done my part as a good husband? I feel so calm .. and took a slow walk while I was at the jogging track. I tried so hard to cry out but I can't. I can feel the fear and anger in me and I just wish I can just walk away. I keep blaming myself why I took the risk of getting marriage and why I go for baby knowingly things doesn't go well with this witch! I was so sad and angry over the Facebook posting she did. Although it sound not that bad to others, but to me it is serious and to publish her problem related to her husband is so childish! When I posted mine, she gone crazy.

Dear Mighty God, I hate to call you and believe your existence. But now I am calling you for a help and please lead me to the right path and teach me what to do next. Am I suppose to leave everything behind and walk away like an irresponsible man and father? or shall I be patient and learn to give ways more to her?