29.01.2009 - Love or Fun?

See..... sometimes I feel a abit stupid because I really don't know what did these girls want from me. Love or Fun? I always claimed that I have no one to love and no one want to love me. But the reality, there are few that I think they are not suitable and fooling around. Yeah... I do sound like woman too... worrying too much who is good who is not. Can't blame me that much after years back being cheated before. I hate those woman enjoying cheating, lying, materialistic, drinking, smoking and also pretending to be good when they are around with you.

To me the definition of love is very simple. It is the biological feels of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. Love is not as simple as it is defined; the most important is the willingness of sacrifying in any sense as well as being honest and transparent towards the person whom you love. On top of that, getting to understand someone you love is crucial. However the legacy of such will always being compromised by jealousy and dissatisfaction; but bear in mind, jealousy means loves. No doubt it seems to be controlling or being conquered, you can rest assure the strength of love is uncountable and promised. Yes, it does not work on most cases which is due to a weak stage of understanding and trust. Getting to trust someone is not as easy nowadays especially with current culture where kissing, making love and having fun is pretty common just for entertainment. Back to the point is that, trust and understanding is still the key of maintaining a strong relationship. Never tell lies for good or bad, unveil your past to make them accept it rather than making them to search for the truth, think for them what is the best to make it happen, understand what they need, talk and discuss to each other what is needed in the relationship than sit and wait or expect to be understood, learn to forgive and forget things that happened, change for them instead of demanding for someone to change for you, be honest always, to bear along with them the good or bad times, and of course last but not least; to sacrify. Whenever I talk about sacrify, a lot of people; I mean friends especially woman, they do not agree. Love is not only a feel or somehow a game that you think it comes along with how you live on for the rest of your lives. Having a relationship requires a huge scarifies in any means such as time, friends, freedom, hobby, etc. But in most cases which I've seen, most of this people (which I am not going to mention which gender it is) is expecting the other party to sacrify for them in sense of freedom and its own nature of activity. To add on to this, they usually love to use such words; "If you love me you have to change for me". See, this is one way communication which the sender will never have the feedback. Seriously, what kind of creature would be that powerful enough to demand someone to change for them? I been to that stage before where 1 of my so call... 'trying to be' my girlfriend, says "If you love me, you have to change and accept the way I am". I was stunt and laugh out loud. I never agree with such and I replied to her "Go fuck yourself. You need a robot not human to love you". Loving someone is not as simple as what the word goes around. It is a commitment that change us through out our life and of course it is not 1 person's responsibility to make it success and wonderful. Take it as a challenge. If we can challenge ourselves in career and staying alive, why not having another wonderful challenge to make it more meaningful?

Seriously I am really in dilemma wondering around, how serious and honest she (someone I knew) is to me. It tooks me sometimes to fall to her but the longer it takes to know her, the scary it is to pursue further. Her character, her sociality, dishonest, lying skills, etc. scratching her good image I projected through out these days. And worst of all, the same words comes "you have to accept the way I am" and my reply "Go fuck yourself!". That is why old people says, never judge the book by its cover. The good point is, I have yet to nail the feels deep in my heart; no doubt the feels of like and love begun but it never being too late to retrieve and pull back rather than falling into the trap. Life is really challenging. Too many things that unpredictable. You never get what you want but will be given many things you doesn't want to have.

27.01.2009 - New Year?

It is 2nd day of Chinese New Year; the year of OX. After days and weeks of cleaning and all the hard work, finally it is about to over. After thinking again for all the trouble we been through, I feel stupid after all the trouble we took just to celebrate so call the new year. Seriously, it is just another normal day out of the 365 days in every year. We have normal family dinner during the eve; yes... the two of us only with regular meals like steam chicken, fried vege, soup and roasted pork. Well, it might be special to big family but to us; it is just another regular day. The same goes the count down. Watch TV the whole night till 12 am and then straight to the room resting. To me it is just another day without any joy and happiness. I know it sound negative but that's the real part of my thought. The feel of being lonely, being in the small family, being another similar day, being pushing for something not much different than other days and of course spending so much for only these 2 days. It is more painful when while I am having my dinner. Looking around my big round marble table where dishes are huge but only 2 of us are around looking at each other and says, another day.

Our first day is really busy day. I woke up early in the morning rushing to the airport to fetch my sister and brother in law. Yes the so call king and queen. I am not going to talk further about them which might caused a great war among us. Patient is the only thing I can do.

So it started off with 1 visitor @ 11am and then follow by another and so on. Really full of visitors in the house. I have 2 living room in the house; and both also being filled up with additional chairs from the kitchen. Drinks and foods are served continuously non-stop while crowds grows from outside to inside my house like big big party. I don't even have chance to drink water and take my shower especially during this hot hot hot season. It is like burning in the oven while sitting the house. I plan to switch on the living room air-conditioner but with the door left open at all time, I don't think it is going to work except keeping my electricity running without any effect. Finally, it is over by 7pm. Total of 10 family visited us in a day. It is so tiring and exhausted. Floors are dirty, sticky and dusty while giant joss stick planted outside our house causing the floors even worst. We can no longer take it and broke all the Chinese culture; sweeping and mopping the floor. We laugh while doing it. Well, we don't really believe it ... so why not? So after all the cleaning, we finally end up on the table having the real family dinner. By late evening, all of us lying on the couch / sofa bidding to sleep while watching TV. There is nothing much in the TV channel but it never stop us from getting together talking and being together. So, good or bad, it is already another day of ours. 2nd day was abit surprise. We only have 1 visitor. We sitted in the house baking ourselve in the hot sunny day watching TV and eating. And now we are waiting for steam boat dinner.

18.01.2009 - Washing Sunday

I wish my maid is still around. I started off my day 7am this morning. I really wanted to sleep a bit late today but I can hear all the noises from the garden; who else? MOM la. So, instead of getting myself back to sleep, I tell myself... this will be my day starts. I woke up brush my teeth, change and then to the usual spot for jogging. I took 4 rounds this time for 4.4 km and sun bathing for 1/2 an hour before decided to leave. Then I recalled mom was talking about going to wet market for some marketing; so I drop her off at the wet market while I enjoy my Chinese tea and breakfast alone nearby the market. Seriously I don't like having heavy breakfast because I am still on diet. Hahaha... We reached home around 930am; where my miserable life start off. This time big cleaning work to do. Initially I did not plan to clean the house just because of CNY. Every year has CNY why should I trouble myself with all the cleaning. Since I am cleaning my house on weekly basis, I believe the house is clean enough and does not requires a gigantic cleaning process. As usual la.. when I started to clean, I never wanted to stop. Slowly I pull out all the couch, vacuum, wiping one by one and notice there are so many things dirty, dusty and lots of cobweb. Although I am so tired with the jog, there are much more for me to wash and clean which I can't stop at all. Mom is too old for this and there is no one else can help me except myself. I clean the damn house one whole day until 5pm. Seriously I am very tired and exhausted. I wish I can stop awhile and rest for the rest of the day since it is SUNDAY. HEY its SUNDAY. Rest day right? At 5, I am totally dry. Thirsty, hot and tired. Rashes were found around my chest and shoulder; probably my body temperature is above the normal value. I took a cold shower and throw myself on the couch hoping for a nab before dinner but.... aiya when I look at the clock it is almost 630pm and time for dinner. See... life never being wonderful la. So we went out for dinner and then back home around 8pm. I thought of surfing net but .. my instinct keep telling me bed is the best place for me to rely on than the silly notebook. I quickly jump on my bed and smiling to my darling pillow. Ya that sounds funny but I really did it because that is the best moment I have through out the day.

17.01.2009 - Shopping Saturday

Really don't know how to express my day. Usually around these days somewhere at the corner of CNY, I really enjoy going to the mall looking for foods and some preparation of the great Chinese New Year. No doubt it is only 2 of us in the house, I always try my very best to make it fun and meaningful. Well, I guess age is catching up and the new year mood is no longer as strong as before, especially with the upcoming global recession. What I knew for these years, the CNY is co$ting me more than having the feel of happiness and enjoyment. Seriously I do ask myself what the hell is happening to me? I try to fit myself with others; making myself thinking CNY is at the corner and I should be happy instead of feeling normal and miserable.

I took mom to the mall today; as I promised a week ago but it was a bad timing I would say. Somehow my mood is not in good tune with it and I just feel boring, tired and full of anger. I don't know why. I pull myself together and kept on whispering to myself to be patience and patience. Although I successfully make it, being patience, driving with smiles, going to places as she wanted to, having some foods as what she requested for, etc. but it makes me feel it is not me at all. Why do life so horrible. I can feel that I am born to make people happy and do what they wanted to but to me, I just need to be patience, quiet (sometimes) and do as what everyone wants. I think I am fucking stupid!

We went to TESCO Extra; walking for almost an hour, can't really find what we wanted for, probably due to new environment where we never been there before, and then migrated to Carrefour for another 1 hour. Well the $ame applied to my pocket. Then to DIY shop buying something parts for my house renovation, send my mom to her friends house, and then I go for hair cut which co$t me another MYR15.00 per cut (ordinary MYR12.00). Then headed to evening market for vegetables and fruits for the entire week and finally ended up at the restaurant having chicken chop. By the time we reach home, it is 7.45pm. I still questioning myself, why am I not feeling right and why do I need t be patience for something I don't like to do? I can't remember how many years I have being like this. Going out doing something which I don't like to do. How long more do I need to go through this? I just wish to empty my head and think nothing ... I don't want feel , like or whatever.

10.01.2009 - Capati King is close??????

This is special Saturday; where I feel like going out than sitting at home. We had a light breakfast early in the morning; 2 slices of bread and a glass of Milo with oat. I've planned since yesterday to drive down to Penang island to have our special Capati as our lunch. Everyone is asking what is so special about the capati that can make me drive down from Kulim to Penang. Well, after years being in the house figuring what to have for lunch, it is time to explore for some foods that someone has introduced to us. According to alot of sources; newspaper, TV medias, friends advise, etc. having capati is good compared to roti canai/prata. Initially I did not plan to pursue this plan but after tremendous & repeated recommendation from my fellow colleagues, to me, no harm trying la. So we dressed up and drove happily to the town area by passing the daily usual jam on the bridge patiently which usually I don't. I did not curse the jam this time because keep having capati in my mind. Before I reach, I drop a call to my colleague to alert them I am on the way and would probably reaching in 15 minutes time. But to my disappointment, the damn shop is closed! My colleague was laughing out loud at me because all the trouble I took end up the shop is closed. Speechless! So with hungry stomach and lost, we ended up at the Tajuddin Nasi Kandar having tomato rice with roasted curry chicken. I hate Nasi Kandar so much but with empty and hungry stomach you have no choice. Don't know how long do I need to jog to clear all the oily curry I took!

So, since we are already in Penang, we took a walk around that area and spotted 1 old Chinese house with nice landscape and carved structure. It is old ancient type of house with lot of colors and landscape especially the roof and door frame. Look at the picture I posted. Amazing huh? Then I suggested to mom that we go to the Padang Kota where the history of British army camp were located, and then to the museum and finally the Kek Lok Si (Chinese Temple near the Hill). She rejected all of them and wish to go back. She said too lazy to walk. So boring. I drove around Penang, and then straight back home. See... I have plan but someone turn it off. Potong stim la!

11.01.2009 - Sunday Blue

After days of weird weather; cold and windy; and of course my weird behavior for these few days; I can't sleep well even though I am sleepy. Worst is eyes and nose are so itchy. Well, today is usual day where cleaning is a must such as sweeping the floor, mopping, cleaning those dusty surfaces, repairing my mom's closet, etc. Usually people prefer to sleep late today but I woke at 6.30am preparing myself for a jog. I reached the Mengkuang Dam around 8am after confirming my neighbour unable to make it as he promised me yesterday. I think will join him later around 4pm hiking; hope I still make it. We (mom and me) are extremely tired today because we extended our walk to the other part of the dam which requires us to hike and walk. Mom started with a walk approx 2.2 km while I jog 4.4 km. As the weather is still cooling, air is still fresh and the sun glare was still enriching us with vitamins, we decided to take a slow walk to the other part of the dam. It took us another 1/2 hour to finish our walk. We are really really tired and to my surprise, mom's both palm swell. I guess she is too tired and the blood vessel is not working well still after her operation a year ago. I asked her to massage her hand and did some minor movement such as open and close the hand grip to alleviate the swell. Thank god it works. Well, it is inevitable to old people. Alot of things will happen to anyone of us when age catch up.

Now I am resting and sleepy. My next problem is... what to have for lunch? Too tired to walk and drive. I wish someone know how to drive.. to take over my place.

04.01.2009 - Sunday Routine

Its a rainy Sunday today. I planned for a jog in the early morning but didn't make it because I over slept. By the time I woke up, it's already 0930, to me it is too late. So, fresh up myself and begin my weekend routine as usual. Took a light breakfast and begin my house cleaning until 1pm. No... I didn't spend 3 hours on cleaning, just that I stop awhile entertaining my friend who drop by for a chat. I am so hungry when I finished everything; sweeping the floor, cleaning my toilet, mopping the floor, wiping walls, wiping my HIFI sets and furniture. I took 2 bowls of porridge; thanks to MOM who is doing nothing except cooking for lunch. After we had our lunch, we rested at the sofas and watching astro. We intended to go out from the house since it is weekend but the weather was so hot and with heavy stomach, we end up resting and then fall to sleep until 4pm. Thanks to the lighting (raining) otherwise I will sleep until late evening. We decided to go for a jog around 6pm but the rain doesn't seems encouraging. We continue watching TV and then planning what to do next if the rain persist. Ya... we still lost... jogging is out of mind. So we continue watching tv until 7.30pm until we decided to drive down to town for dinner; my favorite Koey Teow T'ng. See... it is not an ordinary Koey Teow T'ng where you find small fish balls and minced pork. This 1 is special, it comes big bowl of keow teow (rice noodle), egg plant stuffed with fish meat, prawn 'wan tan', 2 big fish ball, steamed chicken meat, crispy soya bean cracker and of course with hot sweet boiled chicken stock. Can you imagine how wonderful it is? I ordered 2 bowls; me and of course my mom which cost me MYR15.00. of course it is expensive but to me with that much of ingredients, it worth for every penny I pay. I should have take some photo for share. Hmm... so before we head to the Koey Teow T'ng stall, we actually planned to go for New Zealand Ice Cream after dinner but after we finish these 2 bowls of wonderful koey teow, we give up the ice cream. So.... full.... We drive back straight without thinking of ice cream; and of course with full satisfaction on the meal we have just now. I wonder how am I going to go on diet if I continue to eat like that. Damn... so sad.

02.01.2009 - 'Shopping' is not that bad at all.

Age is catching up day by day. Looking into some topic which some of my friend being talking about especially women, really makes me feel my age is catching up. i.e. older I mean. Talking about shopping; honestly I really hate shopping because to me it is just a waste of time and money. Last time I always asked why do we need to walk and walk around the shops doing window shopping? To me that time, it is just a waste of time and energy. But today, I was like... I would say surprisingly shopping to me now is somehow like fulfilling empty time and appreciating something special in this world. No doubt it is still wasting time but it is worth to waste it like that than doing something unhealthy. In fact I can assume walking is part of exercise while window shopping is side-seeing and appreciating what we have at our surrounding. I guess something is very wrong with me. How could I says that? hahahaha... shopping is nice? hahahaha... I must be out of my mine. Well.. I am now in the office, listening to music and trying hard to get my reports done in time. Took pretty light lunch today; Wan Tan Mee Kay Kah (Chicken leg wan tan noodle) with my colleague. Going for a jog later after work. Will see what I can do today to cheer up myself.

01.01.2009 - Bitchy Chinese Girl

I did not understand why Chinese girls nowadays are so bitchy! Okay... just to be fair... not all but most of them! I make a call to one of my friend; a Japanese friend who is currently in Penang Gurney Hotel for almost 2 weeks. I was trying to wish him Happy New Year but he doesn't sound convenience to talk because still on the bed. What? 1030 on the bed? So I asked him what time he slept yesterday and he replied 0500. I laugh at home loudly and hang off the phone after greeting him Happy New Year and back to sleep. 2 hours later, he called me and apologized for not being able to chat with me. He told me .. he had good time all night long. I thought he is partying whole night but he did not; he is fucking whole night. Ya... sound rude .. lets rephrase, he is having sex with a stranger whole night. I was stunt and quiet on the phone when he says that. I ask him what happen and how he enjoy the party; but he is so happy and says he went to a pub yesterday night, partying and met a young little girl age 24 partying with others. He offer her drinks, chat whole night, dance and end up screwing her till 0500 in his room. I was like... laughing when he told me that, but I feel so sad why Chinese girls nowadays are so bitchy. When I called him, he was on the bed with the girl sleeping, that is why he unable to talk to me further rather than saying 'still sleeping'. Well.. this is not his first time sleeping with One Night Stand Chinese girls while he is working in Malaysia 10 years before. He even told me... it is not difficult to find Chinese girl in the pub. Strange part is most of the girls are around twenties to thirties and he is 45. I really can't understand how could these ladies sleep with strangers without knowing them. Gosh... this is so bitchy and shameful. Not to blame all but now .. those that 'kaki' in the pub or drinking; to me.. is really cheap and bitchy! Shame on you girls. Really "PUBLIC PUKI"

01.01.2009 - New Year 2009

Brand new day.... It is 1st of January 2009. The feel of 'new' is there when I got up this morning. Even though my head is full of worries; it won't stop me from feeling great. I walk around my house inspecting my newly painted walls and looking up the sky smiling for a brand new day. Hopefully, this new year brings me and my family a brand new life and days. Wishing everything goes well to me and others too. Happy New Year.

31.12.2008 - The End of 2008

Everyone is asking.... "hey how is tonight? Count down? where?", sound happening huh? But I end up in the room doing nothing, boring and tired. Finally I've finished all my audits. Everyone is so happy today and wishing me 'Happy New Year' but what I have in mind is... what is new year all about? No doubt the feels of new year is there but the tough days during the month of December 08 really hits me badly until I can't even think about how happy or wonderful life is. What I have in mind are all about reports, emails and problems from both office and house. Like today, I receive many calls from office and my house all about work and painting. Not blaming anyone but can't just someone decide for me? Call from the house asking what can they do about the paint that I brought is insufficient; don't you think this is like... so simple? Buy and get it done! Is there a need to call and ask how? Office? I really speechless. ... Worst of all... SMS flows in like free of charge.

Seriously I don't know what the hell happened to me. Everything doesn't seems to work out. I feel so lost and in the mist of figuring out how to handle all these at once. I am good in handling multiple things before but this time I don't know what is bothering me so much until I lost all my tracks. It is past 12 and I can feel the disappointment of new year sitting in the room, tired, boring and busy with something that which I don't know what I am busy with. I think I am lack of sleep and stressful, which caused me feel strange all the time. I feel like banging my head on the wall and cutting my nerve to release my stress.