27.04.2010 - Girlfriend VS Admirer

It is nice to have someone you think off and love with. After a diligent, I am meeting someone whom I thought was not smooth to be since our start seems to hiccup most of the time. We had argument and disagreement probably due to our past that have triggered us to be more vigilant on every move and thoughts. However we are now back on track and being very close to each other. We share problems and love each other so deeply. Well, things never been the way what we wanted. I have being complaining since years that I was neglected or not attractive enough to win over a woman's heart but seems like I was lying myself through out these years. Indeed I was hunted by many girls these days. I just noticed that there are many friend of mine falling in love with me. I was told yesterday by someone that I am a very friendly, lovely, caring and 'man'. I was smile and asking if this is what people think about me. For instant, girls are asking me out and even trying to push off from my girlfriend after knowing I just started off to go deeper with her. Yes it is nice to be loved by many of them but knowing someone else is falling to you deeply but cannot be accepted is really pain in the ass. Some of them seems to be very sad and even scolded me. Seriously I think I am a useless person when comes to relationship. I wish I can just comfort them and make them feel better but by doing so, it will only causes more pain to them. I am tired of all this things. Many of them are my friend and just because we are not suit or meant to be together doesn't mean we are no longer a friend. Forcing ourselves into something we know doesn't work out will only make things worst. Can't they understand the consequences? I am tired explaining while the other party is just keep blaming I am all the culprit behind the unsuccessful relationship with them. Ridiculous! Well, woman do have lots of trick and ways to make men feel guilty and turn to them. I am not going to fall into this trap.

18.04.2010 - Lost in LOVE

People says falling in love is heaven but to me, I feel nothing but frustration. She was sick since Saturday and I was not aware of it because she doesn't want to talk to me. Reason? because she was mad at me because I look fierce! Doesn't make sense doesn't it? Childish! I am totally lost my way through out these days wonder what kind of relationship this is. She sent me email rather than talking to me. Repeatedly saying she scared of me and dare not to see me. She feels I am not the man for her because I look and sound fierce. Ridiculous! She went mad and ask for a cool down period after having an argument with me thru emails. Well, what is the big deal? Cool down or break off, who cares. I told myself I am over and not going to pursue further. Friendly speaking it is just a beginning so not really a big impact on me. So I stop messaging her and call her. I totally ignore her and she did the same to me for 2 days. Until Sunday, I received her SMS asking if I really want to ignore her. Silly question aren't they? She is the one asking for cool down and refuse to talk and now putting the blame on me! I responded her message straight ahead that it is her request to cool down so what's up with all the silly question. She responded that she is sick and she miss me. Funny! Well, I was touched and so much worry about her condition and begin to ask her but when I started to show my concern, she begins to pull back and keep on saying nothing nothing and nothing. I give up and start being nasty again. She called and talk rudely to me. She was crying on the phone and says she miss me, tried so hard to forget me and force herself to work hard to get rid of me. But she failed. That is why she falls sick. Wow... really touch my heart leh... Well, to me as long she learns and forgive & forget to me, I have no problem at all. I'll take the second try and will see if any other drama coming soon. Pretty scare to get in relationship now. Damn scary!

15.04.2010 - 2nd Wave Hits!

I was so damn frustrated for what happen yesterday. Everything went well except having the damn smell came out from her mouth. The damn breath that stings me since she entered the car was really unbearable. Several hints were highlighted to her but she doesn't seems to get it. I think she were born with bad breath! The meeting was pretty smooth in the beginning where we exchanging our thoughts and jokes. We continue talking and making fun of ourselves with tickling each other waist knowing it will instantly create a shock and laughs. It was quite fun though but things went sour when we are heading home. It was so quiet in the car and her face turned to anger. I try to ask if I did anything wrong but was given the cold face and says 'nothing'. A drastic change would probably turn my switch on to ask which I don't think it is abnormal. I repeated for few times and she just lay silence until I got myself frustrated and begin talking seriously. I remind her that there shouldn't be any grudge or dissatisfaction between us; thus it should be discussed or dig it out openly and solve it immediately rather than pro long it, keep it or leave it as it is. A healthy relationship needs discussion, understanding and open to each other. She suddenly says nothing.. and then says she is not happy because of... and then she said she prefer to keep it rather than sharing it. Well, do you think I would be able to know what is going wrong? Be honest, I am giving up on this kind of relationship. No point looking on it further since there is always a gab since the day I get to know her. Anything is secret and even our relationship remains as anonymous from our family and friends. I don't know what is the reason behind but if she say she is not ready for this, then why should we starts in the first place? Silly isn't it? Ah... I am not going to pursue further. If she is really care about it then I think she should stay awake and learn to be more open and understand people's feel rather than expecting people to understand her while she stays quiet all the time. Luckily we are just climbing up the staircase and yet doing something 'silly'. That means easy for me to untie the relationship than going on. You know what I mean!

12.04.2010 - ON or OFF?

Sometimes I feel strange having a partner that only wish to be listened but never want to listen. We have being having couple of quarrel since the day we know each other about 2 weeks back and now I have doubt on our relationship. It seems not working at all where I am the only one tolerating while the other is just taking advantage. I am not superman and how could I understand what she wants if she did not explain? Strange aren't they? When I try to help, it was rejected without any reason; When I offer to comfort her when she was in difficulties, again was rejected without any explanation; NOW I am in the problem, I approach her to talk and vent out my dissatisfaction but was rejected left without any message. Hey what the HELL is this? This seems to be 1 way communication! I take this as 1st failure.. I am going to give up once it reach 3rd failure... I am not going to be a puppet pretending good and keeping all to myself rather than sharing with the one I love.

11.04.2010 - Where is my KICK?

Years being alone and yet to know what is going to happen in future. I tried to get myself a partner but hard to find the one. Neighbor and mom was desperate and worried about me getting old but yet to get another part of my life. They manage to find one for me and we have click to each other pretty well so far except several misunderstanding. I guess it is because I have being alone all the years which makes me feel strange when someone is tagging with me while having movie and shopping. Lot of hiccup when talking to her while communication is seems to clash most of the time. I still remember the very first time I fall in love when I was 19 where everyday is heaven while my heart feels uneasy all day long hoping to see and touch her. But for this time, I just feel normal and worried. I just don't know why this could happen. I hope things goes well and to have a happy long after with her.

I wish whoever disappointed after discovered I am attached would be able to accept it and begin their own new life. I am not into anything but looking forward for some quality life and happy family. I did not accept any of you is not because you are imperfect or physically abnormal; but I am not the right person for you or would be the right person to give you what you want. Trust me, you deserve someone better that able to gives you all his loves. Be strong and stay sharp okay? There are many more good guys out there waiting for you. Good luck.

04.04.2010 - Lonely Sunday

Am getting better today. Although the cough and soar throat makes me feel uneasy, but it never stop me from cleaning the house, get my cloths cleaned, gardening and paying house bill at the post office. I sweat and cough like hell but I enjoy it so much. I cook my own meal after days of eating outside. I steam minced pork, fry bean sprout and cook porridge. Kind of relaxing and took a nab around 4pm. Mom was away since 01.04.2010 and expected to be back home today around 4pm. She is early this time and now preparing for our dinner. Hope to sleep early today and have more energy tomorrow. Take a look at the food I cooked. Yummy!

01.04.2010 - April FOOL

Yeah... really April Fool! I was on the bed whole day! Very weak; probably caused by the high fever! I am on MC and cannot even think of a thing properly. What I know is rest, sleep and sleep. My throat is very bad condition; food are tasteless while anything that goes through my throat makes me cough. I feel cold and drowsy. I was given antibiotics, paracetamol and cough syrup and was asked to sleep more to get better. According to doctor, if the fever persist, I need to do blood test! Huh? for what? Well she refused to comment further but ask me to pay her a visit if the fever remains the second day. Well, I can no longer think that much because I am so tired and weak. What I know is eat, sleep and sleep. I took my medicine and again back on my bed sleeping. Next thing I know, my eyes are swollen probably the reaction of the antibiotic and paracetamol. I just don't care that much and continue to sleep. I visited the doctor the next day and was glad that the fever subside. I was forced to continue with the antibiotic but supplemented with anti-allergic tablets to prevent my eyes swollen. Well, I am getting better and better then. My day was great although there is still slight of body aching especially by back bones and joins. Hope everything gets well then.

31.03.2010 - I am DOWN! Mayday!

By right, early Sunday is my work out and cleaning day but for that particular Sunday, it is my travelling day. I was assigned to attend 1 of the compulsory course in Bangi for 4 days. Strange is it starts on Sunday! Brilliant asshole! In the course itself, it teaches all of us to spend more time with our family but it start on our family day! Silly!

Usually training would be fun, informative and relaxing but the one I am in is damn stressful. We were given assignments and forced to perform presentation under distress condition. Handphone and notebook is strictly prohibited. Everyday presentation in front of public is really a stress things to do. I tried to sleep early but doesn't seems to work. The course finishes at 930pm and with other things that I need to do after that (e.g. shower, preparing presentation, checking my emails, etc.) it ends up sleeping at 2am. I tried to work out for something to release my stress by going to the gym but it does not work at all. Well, course ended on Wednesday 4pm and I was so glad that it is now over. Putting aside the big project I need to do, I try to make myself happy and enjoying the trip back. I rushed to the airport hoping to change my flight schedule earlier instead of 945pm. Unfortunately it was rejected by the counter and forces me to sit and wait. I check my email, chatting and surf nets during these hours hoping to get things done otherwise I have to do it at home. I check in at 8pm and was told it was delayed to 1015pm. 30 mins, well I take it! But after half an hour, the flight was then delayed until further notice. That really make me pissed off! I hooked up my notebook again to check emails and so on just hoping to get rid of the additional time that can make me angry and mad. However my patience burst off when nothing was announced at1045pm. By 11pm I was on the plane but again was announced the plane was on refuelling process and might take approx. 20 mins. With all the safety briefing and so on, the plane only took off at 1130pm. Blow me off! I finished my class at 4pm and reach home at 130am. If I drive, probably reached home around 830pm. With all the stress and lack of rest, I was down that night with high fever. The fever was very bad and last for 2 days with body-aching, soar throat and cough. I hate travelling!

26.03.2010 - Pushing the LIMIT

Wosshhh... As I expected, it is a very tough weeks for me. I was assigned to support my boss in Shah Alam for almost a week and then another 4 days in Bangi for training. Everything was unplanned and it is going to be tough for me since I need to drive and then back to Penang and then drive back again to KL the next following day. My days was going smoothly except lack of sleep and rest. Main factor for that is change of sleep place. My last day was pretty well and was so happy to go back home early and rest to fullest. Unfortunately my day turn sour when I lost my way back to Penang. I was trapped in the heavy jam right after I embarked from Kota Kemuning. To make it even worst, the only road that I know how to go back was then closed for some reason which forces me to go off another road which I am not familiar with. I drove all away searching for next exit / interchange but all interchange was heavily jam. I drove straight hoping for another exit but I end up at someone known as LDP Highway. I was totally lost. I tried to make U-turn but none of the road allows to do it except drive straight and search for next interchange. I was trapped in that LDP for almost 2 hours driving straight ahead after the toll cashier told me the only way to exit to North-South Highway is to drive straight ahead without making any turn but this is going to take sometimes. By the time I am out from there and entered into North-South Highway, it was 9pm. My stomach is freaking hungry but I was not in the mood to eat. Luckily Jesmin bought me some bread otherwise I have to search for food along my way. I shot straight without making any stop about 140 to 180kph hoping to reach home before 12. I really need rest and sleep. Strange is, the traffic condition on the highway is pretty pack. Usually at that hour, there should be less car but on that day, alot of cars heading to north. Weather was good except at Ipoh with heavy rain that forces all cars to move slowly than it should be. I was still on the speed mode but reducing it to 110 to 120kph. I finally reach home at 12pm. I enjoy the drive from KL to Penang as there is 1 car tagging along speeding at the same mode as mine non-stop creating the tense and feels of keeping up on track. It is a nice drive but tiring. Unpacked my stuffs that night and went on bed around 1am.