When you look into your life seriously, you will see nothing except consequences, problems and other matters that draws you to negative mind. It happened to me too. I tried for many times to give ways but when it comes to my limits, I am looking for another solution; probably getting rid of those people who don't really appreciate me. I am who I am; when you choose to be in my life, that is it. You will have to accept the fact that I am that kind of person. I know i am not perfect, I am not romantic but I tried my very best to make life wonderful and of course at the same time supports everyone at every angle without failed. I look into everyone happiness and avoid crushes among family members. When i buy things I choose to buy 2 portions so that everyone in the family is happy with it. I don't mind having less compared to them but I just don't want to have anyone in the family feels neglected. Today, I look at my credit cards and realised I spend too much and keep wondering how to get this settled. I was so stressful and trying hard to save but if i show it to my family i would say most of them will take it in different way that I am complaining. To make everyone stop worrying, I just have to keep quiet and pretend I afford to get everything done. No joke, it is RM8000 now and yet no solution for it. I guess I am all alone in this world. Whether you like it or not, I will have to dig my own graveyard and bury myself in. I wish hardly that GOD takes my life away instantly and take me to anywhere HE wants but looking at it, It is a little selfish. I wish everyone in the family live happily ever after and I don't mind everyone hates me as long they are happy and problem free.
I was looking at photos of mom and my daughter this morning and for a sudden, I cried non-stop. I keep asking myself what have I done? I am giving more job to my mom and having a problematic and demanding spouse. Some told me both are attention seekers but to me both are woman and problem makers. I can feel that I gave alot and get no return. If everyone is demanding and I am keep giving, don't you think it is fair? I don't think fair exist in my life now. Mom needs my care and love while spouse need my attention, financial support and physical touches (pampering). Like I said I am who I am; and I am so tired with so many things to look at and think off. If everything is on me and I have to take a move, then tell me why should I marry and putting another burden on my shoulder? I always gave my spouse an example, clapping hand need left and right hand; I mean a pair of hand. What I am trying to tell her is, i can be lovely and showing her my love but if she don't play her part, i don't think our relationship works. But until today I see no improvement from her side at all; instead she continues to demand from me. I really pray harder now that I can take all this one at the time; I just worried that I will give up one day and choose to leave the house without notice.
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