Today is a peaceful day to me. My sister from SG is back home and mom is so happy to see both son and daughter with her for this week. I don't know why I can feel the warm and happiness when my sister is back home. It is like putting some weight down from my shoulder although it is not that heavy or kind of burden to me. Just that I like the feels of being together having dinner, watching TV and making jokes among us. I wish all of us may stay together forever. I love to have big family although I know this is impossible in my life. I do share this to some of my close friends but most of them would laugh and me and says big family may have drawback as well; for examples, jealousy, misunderstanding, etc. Seriously I just wish mom, dad, sister and me to be back in 1 roof enjoying every moment we have. Thinking of our past where mom and dad were poor, we rarely go out having breakfast, dinner and lunch during weekends and holidays. See, I have what I want now but in return I have no one beside me. Life is really challenging. By the time we are stable in terms of career and financial, others are seems to be faded away from us. Dad is no longer around, sister is married to SG and mom is getting older. I never wish for anything great but I do wish to have a wonderful family that gives me love, care and some shoulder to cry on.
My big day is near the corner and everyone seems to be more happy and well prepared than me. I have being alone since years back forgetting about how important or wonderful birthday is and now I can't even feel and understand what is birthday for everyone of us. Yes I stop counting on my days as I give up on thinking about my future and life. My colleagues were in the plan to buy me dinner but I put them on hold for some reason. Be honest, I don't really like birthday, that is why I never feel great about it. Maybe I have used to be treated normal for these days since I was kids. My parents never celebrate this occasion with us except a simple birthday noodle and simple wishes in the morning. Even when we grow teenager, we are prohibited to go out celebrate with friends like others. In other words, we are poor and jailed in the house. There are few times when mom bought me cake during my birthday, I cried when they sang me a birthday song. That is why I hate celebrating my birthday because it reminds me my past and how poor we are during our past. We see kids are having wonderful times with their parents during birthday but we are only staying at home like ordinary days. Seriously, I don't want to have the birthday dinner this week but an ordinary lovely family gathering although it is just a short period of time when my sister is around.
Age is catching up for me and I am getting older, weaker and useless day by day. Memory is getting slower and demands on life is turning lesser and lesser. I worried alot of things that other may have at my age but at least others do have other siblings that stay on put with them and share problems whenever they need it. To me, I have 1 long distance sister and an old mother that can listen but do nothing. I love going to seaside sitting at the sand beach keeping quiet listening to the sea wave and quietness that gives me peace of mind. I tried last few weeks ago but I don't know why it turns out to be scary and worry when I have quietness moment. Too many things that lingering in my mind and I feel so lonely. I repeatedly ask myself what is going on with me but at the end I can't even answer / discover what is going wrong. Sometimes I lost my way and keep on asking what am I doing in this world. And for that, I never have the answer at all. Well, I don't wish to think about it anymore. May it comes and goes as it suppose to.
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