Everyone have the thoughts that mom is relying on me all the time and I have spent too much time at home looking after her. To me, I never have that feels of being occupied by her; eventually I am the one that relying on her. I have being single for the past few years after broke off years back and throughout these years mom is my main objective being alive until today. Despite knowing fatal of love that causes severe pain and depression, it never stops me from moving forward for a better living. I took my time looking and accompanying mom to my fullest ability since she is the only 1 I have and love me her life. I do enjoy having on and off relationship with some partners, hoping things goes well; nevertheless my trust to involve in relationship is getting shallow and hopeless. To me mom is everything now and she is the one I love most in my life.
Sunday was my miserable day; as I expected. I have being preparing myself to be strong knowingly mom is leaving me to Singapore to help my sister in her confinement period. I kept telling myself I must be strong and independent when mom left. Nevertheless, the pain and scaring is inevitable. I am not conquering her life or being greedy over having mom with me all the time, just that it is so hard to let her go after years looking after her, seeing her everyday and talking to her day and night. Seeing her walked away from the boarding gate is really a deep pain in my heart. I begin to feel lonely, meaningless and lost when she is not around me. Throughout these years, she is my mentor, my reason to be alive, my objectives, my vision and my means of strength to live on. Every step I took to walk away from the boarding gate was very heavy and difficult. I can feel tears in my eyes and emptiness I have in my heart. I drove my car out from the parking bay and took a big turn back laying off the road side waiting to see her fly away. I stood there for almost 45 minutes and finally she flew off. With a lost feelings, I drove away wondering where to go and what should I do on that day. Sunday was my cleaning day and family day. Now I am all alone! Once I reach home, the time I opened the door, the house is totally silence. The darkness and quietness is making me feels emptiness and meaningless. I thought turn on radio or TV would help a bit but it does not work at all. I have lots of report to read and prepare but I am totally lost in the darkness. I have no mood to write, read, sit and sleep and so on. What I know is I am so afraid of the silence and emptiness. I took a cold shower and lying on my bed hoping to have a good rest. The feel of being left behind in the world all alone is unbearable. I believe this is too sudden and have causes me a drastic change and shocks. I took a sleep for almost 2 hours and woke up with the same feeling. Trying so hard to overcome the feeling but it is so difficult to let it go. Like said, easy to say difficult to do it. I sat on my desk forcing myself to complete my report and then headed for a jog to ease myself from the worries I have. I manage to get through it. I called up my friend that day and had a dinner with him until 10pm. I was so scare to return home but it leaves me no choice as this is the only shelter I have. My day was miserable! I slept at 1am in the morning after browsing on the net and trying hard to write my report. I keep asking myself what is going to happen if mom leaves me when the time comes.
No comments:
Post a Comment