Its a hard sleep night yesterday. I close my eyes and trying to let go all the thought I have. Lying restless on the bed, I keep on telling myself to go on trying to sleep. I turn and turn from a corner to another but the strange feeling haunting my night till 2am. I was done in a sleep peacefully until I drop into a dream that seems as real as I never lay myself on.
I was lonely and gave up trusting women; even though I do love them. Mom was so sad and put so much effort to find me a good partner whom I never know who she was. We meet up once but not much talking except knowing each other thru parents. It was a short meet up and the arrangement of marriage is done deal by both parents. Mom was so happy and agreed with any condition as long I am happy and she is expecting a daughter in law and soon coming grandchildren. The dream seems real but somehow there always shortcuts quite similar to movies that we watched usually. After the wedding, somehow the agreement take place and I have to leave mom at home and pull over in my 'stranger wife' house with her family for sometimes. I tried to call mom many times but it was not answered. I try to walk away from the house but was told this is prearranged with my mom and she wants me to be there for good. I can't understand where I am suppose to standing at. After 1 night sleeping with worries, guilty and sadly, the next morning I call off the agreement and decided to go against everything which has been made before. I gave my wife a kiss and says I am sorry and I can't leave my old mother at home alone while hugging my wife somewhere else. I doesnt want my future child to run away from me the same as what I am practising now. She cried and hold my hand tightly; with tears and pleasing. I let her go without any turning back and walk egress from the house. With tears; I keep on asking, how can this marriage being carried out? and who is she?
She looks innocent, honest, not that pretty but worth to have as a wife, fair skin, long hair, reaching my nose (height) and soft spoken person. Without having a 2nd thought, I drove out heading straight to my house hoping to see my mom soonest I can. I just doesnt know how am I going to talk to her for how she sacrified and choose to be alone just to make sure I am not lonely for my entire life. I drove as fast as I can and keep on trying to reach her (mom) with my mobile but still to no avail. After a distance, the feels of being cruel to both came. I cried for being so useless and a burden to everyone. I left my wife for my mom and mom choose to be alone for my future. I never stop trying to call mom but still unreachable. I diverted my intention and decided to drop my so call 'wife' for an apology and will promise her to work out something to get back together but ... so strange that I doesnt have her mobile number or house number either. I cried for so long while driving but I cant make up my mind what should I do now; and how can I marrying someone that I doesnt even know her at all. What am I doing? the feels of lost in the dream comes the feels that similar I going thru when I awake. I jump off from the dream and sat on my bed asking myself what is GOD trying to tell me? Is it teeling me I need to choose either one in my life? or Is it just a dream or something else? I am so down the whole day from my house to office and back home. The dream seems to haunt me from getting myself together and thinking of something else. I am so lost.
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